A breakup isn’t just the end of a relationship—it’s often a moment of self-discovery. It’s natural to feel unanchored, and this is your opportunity to redefine your life. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you rediscover who you are and heal the hurt.
Step 1: Embrace Your Emotions Without Fear
Why it’s crucial: Suppressing emotions only makes them linger and actually makes them bigger and darker than they are. Processing them helps you move forward with clarity.
Action step: Set aside dedicated time to reflect. Write down how you’re feeling, speak to a trusted friend, or even record voice notes for yourself. Getting our emotions out of our heads is the first step in the healing process. When we stay in our heads, we are not hearing what is truly going on. This is because what plays in our heads is automatic—it’s subconscious. Our brains are habituated to operate from the automatic, and if you’re spinning on all the whys and what-ifs internally, you aren’t giving yourself a fair shake. Say it out loud and get it out into the open so you can then ask:
Step 2: Do I Know This to Be True?
When you feel yourself stuck on a thought or can’t stop crying or raging, say what you are thinking out loud and then ask yourself, “Is this true?” This question will expose the truth and has the potential to keep you from spinning on thoughts that not only don’t serve you but aren’t even true.
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After a breakup, it’s common to spin on thoughts like:
“If I had just been more understanding, they wouldn’t have left.” But is that true? Relationships involve two people, and one person alone cannot sustain a connection. There were likely deeper issues beyond your control.
“I wasn’t good enough for them.” But is that true? You likely have evidence that you were a loving, supportive, and caring partner. The end of a relationship doesn’t define your worth.
Action step: Once you’ve asked the question, “Is this true?” and exposed that you have been swimming in a lie, we need to reinforce the truth to the brain. We can do this by contradicting the lie. Remind yourself of the times you were compassionate, communicative, and put effort into the relationship. Write down three qualities and truths that contradict the untrue spinning thought.
Step 3: Rewrite Your Personal Narrative
Why it’s crucial: Your mindset determines your reality. If you see yourself as broken, you’ll act accordingly. If you see yourself as growing, you’ll flourish. I know this sounds easy, but stay with me …
Action step: Each time a self-defeating or untrue thought arises, and you’ve asked if it’s true and then proved to the brain that it’s untrue, counter it with an empowering, truth-filled statement.
Instead of “I lost so much time,” say, “I am gaining wisdom and clarity for my future.”
Instead of “I’ll never find love again,” say, “I am creating space for the right person to enter my life.”
Instead of “I failed at this relationship,” say, “Every experience is a lesson that brings me closer to the love I deserve.”
Instead of “I wasn’t enough,” say, “I am worthy just as I am, and the right person will recognize that.”
While I know firsthand that this is not an easy task, this ninja-like response to our spinning untruths can, in time, help us shift from broken to a healing, empowered self.
Step 4: Reignite Your Individual Passions
Why it’s crucial: Your personal interests make you unique and are key to rebuilding your sense of self.
Action step: Identify three things you used to love before this relationship. Start incorporating them into your life again, whether it’s a creative pursuit, a fitness goal, or a personal project. Exploring old passions can lead to new ones and reconnect you with the you you used to know and love. This isn’t about going backward; this is about re-inviting you to the table. I often find that when we come out the other side, we question who we are and where we went. Reclaiming some of what you love is healing and self-loving.
Step 5: Establish New Daily Rituals
Why it’s crucial: Familiar routines tied to your past can keep you stuck, while new ones create fresh momentum.
Action step: Introduce a morning or evening practice that feels grounding—this could be journaling, stretching, listening to an uplifting podcast, or trying a new hobby. The goal is to fill your days with intentional moments that belong solely to you and allow you to experience a surge of oxytocin and DHEA (the feel-good hormones).
Step 6: Set Boundaries for Emotional Detox
Why it’s crucial: Constant reminders of the past make healing difficult. Creating distance allows for clarity and peace.
Action step: Unfollow, mute, or remove triggers from your digital and physical space. Establish mental boundaries too—when thoughts of your ex arise, redirect your focus and start again at Step 1.
I have had many, many, many discussions about the difficulty of blocking someone, and I can promise that it will speed up the healing process—not that this is a race. When we re-expose ourselves to the hurt attached to the person by seeing their lives or receiving their texts, we often feel we’re right back at square one. These setbacks elongate the healing. It can help to consider this block as temporary and that when you’re feeling more grounded, you can reconsider the block (this can help the brain accept the choice). This time provides the opportunity to heal and may even prove that the block is an overall healthy choice.
Step 7: Surround Yourself with Encouraging Voices
Why it’s crucial: The people around you influence your mindset and progress.
Action step: Actively seek out uplifting conversations. Join a book club, reconnect with supportive friends, or engage in personal growth communities. You don’t have to do this alone—energy is contagious, so choose wisely.
Your Future Is Waiting
This is not just about healing from a breakup—it’s about stepping into the next version of YOU.
While healing from a relationship is one thing, the foundation to healing is learning about you and how to love you. If you are curious about why you chose who you chose, or how to avoid this in the future, getting to know you, your patterns, and what is important to you can help the next time around. If you’re ready to dive deeper, grab my Self-Love 101 online course here:
I promise you … your best days are ahead, especially if you lean into you.
Which of these steps do you feel will make the biggest impact on your healing journey? Let me know in the comments! 👇
Drop a line—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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