How I Find My Way Through Uncertainty and the 3 Questions That Never Fail Me
So Often the Answers We Seek Are Hiding in Plain Sight ...
When I am stuck in the muck, unsure of my next step or how to process what I’m feeling, I have a few tools in the tickle trunk that always come through for me. I am an asker of questions. My therapist has pointed out that my go-to is often the question “why?” I seek understanding and always have. I believe information is queen, and when I ask questions, it helps me get to the heart of the matter. While the heart of the matter can often feel rather crunchy, it’s always what is best for me. There are three questions I often call on, and they have a way of cutting through the noise in my head and bringing me back to what my oh so wise heart is trying to tell me.
It’s my take that when we are uncertain about anything, it is due to a disconnect between our head and our heart. I’ve learned that while we do need to assess the logical and factual side of things, the heart always knows what’s best. The heart carries an inner knowing, a direct link to our intuition.
Here are three questions that never fail to guide me toward what is ultimately best for me:
1. Is this what I want for myself one year from today?
This one hits hard every time. When I’m questioning a situation, relationship, or decision, I ask myself: If nothing changes, is this what I want things to look like one year from today? It’s a truth-teller. For me, once I see the answer, I can’t unsee it.
This question was asked of me during a time when I was struggling and feeling deeply unhappy in a relationship. I knew I was unhappy. I knew I felt unseen. I could see this clearly. My heart, however, was attached to a deep hope and verbalized potential. I also knew that ending it would be painful. Let’s face it: it’s never easy to bring a relationship to a close.
But the knowing—that it wasn’t good for me—and my inability to let go of hope were hurting me and even affecting my health. This question felt like blackout curtains being pulled opened … revealing a light that needed to be let in. The relationship, in that moment, was exactly what it would look like a year later. There was no growth on the other side, just hope-filled words that were, ultimately, just words. When I looked forward, I knew immediately that no, I did not want to feel this way a year from then, never mind five years later.
2. Will this matter a year from now?
I first heard this question when I was a teenager, and it’s stuck with me. It’s a game-changer for dealing with frustrations, annoyances, or those petty little things that tend to consume us. Ask yourself: One year from today, will this even matter? Most of the time, the answer is no.
This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but it does help shift your perspective. Suddenly, the thing that seemed so big feels smaller, more manageable—something you can let go of to free up space for what matters. And what matters is you and your peace of mind. This simple question can squash worry, anxiety, and fret.
3. What might it feel like to set it free and forgive myself?
Self-forgiveness is one of the toughest aspects of self-love. We so often give forgiveness to others but more readily punish ourselves. Ask yourself: If a friend were thinking or feeling this way, what might I say to her/him/them? Something tender and understanding, no doubt. The kindness we gift to others is the kindness we need to give to ourselves.
For me, self-forgiveness often starts with a letter. I write down the choices, moments, and mess-ups that I am struggling with and then make a promise to myself—a commitment to stop carrying the guilt and a knowing that I would make a different choice today. I am a big believer that our past does not define us; it teaches us. What defines us is how we choose to move forward here and now.
Why These Questions Matter
The more we understand ourselves—our triggers, our desires, our tender spots, our patterns—the more empowered and clear we become. These questions aren’t about fixing what’s “wrong”; they’re about creating space for acceptance:
Acceptance of who we truly are.
Acceptance that our past does not define us.
Acceptance that we are worthy of love and belonging, flaws and all.
When we can gift ourselves a little compassion and ask questions to gain clarity, we step into a knowing of what is best for us. What is best is what consoles the heart. What is best is knowing that we are doing the very best we can here and now and that everything is figureoutable, however painful.
These questions may uncover a need to take a step that is both unfamiliar and painful, but you might just find that the answers you’ve been looking for were within you all along. And in time, your heart and head will thank you.