If You Lost Her and Don’t Know Why, Read This
The Emotional Truth Behind Why She Walked Away
Nine years ago, I wrote a version of this piece—and it sparked my first piece of hate mail.
One woman went so far as to say, “You needy woman … If my boyfriend expected this from me, I’d dump him."
That reaction didn’t surprise me.
Because to talk about what it means to be cherished, truly cherished, touches something raw and tender in us all.
This is one of the most universal truths I’ve learned:
Underneath all the armour, the humour, the hustle, and the hiding—
we are all aching to be seen.
Not just noticed. Not just tolerated.
But truly seen.
And emotionally validated in this lifetime.
That is the need we all carry. Whether we speak it or not.
Nine years later, after thousands of hours of coaching, countless late-night conversations, and watching too many relationships fall apart—not from lack of effort, but from lack of emotional understanding—I stand by every word.
And I’m more certain than ever:
We are all needing and aching to be seen.
This is not a letter to shame.
This is not a list of demands.
This is a love letter—to the men who want to love her better.
And to the ones still trying to understand why she slipped away.
It’s not an invitation to fix yourself or become someone else.
It’s an invitation to expand what love can look like.
Because love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a choice. A daily choice.
And that choice? It goes deeper than desire.
Because desire and cherish are not the same thing.
Desire is spark. It’s magnetic. It’s the way your breath catches when she walks into the room.
It’s attraction and chemistry and heat.
And yes, it matters.
And it’s not the whole story.
To be cherished is to be emotionally held.
To be known.
To be prioritized not just when it’s convenient, but because she matters to you.
Not just seen—but valued.
Cherish is what softens her armour.
It’s what steadies the ground beneath her feet.
It’s what makes love feel like a home—not a performance, an expectation or an assumed.
We live in a culture that teaches men how to win women, but not how to know them.
How to pursue and provide, but not how to stay emotionally connected.
I’ve sat with heartbroken men who’ve said,
"I don’t understand—she left, and I’ve always provided. I’ve never hit her. I’m a good guy."
And they are.
And they were never taught this part.
They were never taught that it’s not enough to want her—it’s about knowing her.
Not just the version of her who’s laughing and glowing and easy to love.
But the version who’s unsure. Quiet. Triggered.
The one who needs to know she’s safe enough to be all of herself with you.
To cherish her is to make her feel emotionally safe.
It’s in the tiny details:
The way you remember how she takes her coffee.
The stories she’s told you twice that you actually listened to.
The dream she shared once.
It’s listening without trying to fix, without offering advice, and without turning the moment toward you.
How you sit beside her discomfort instead of pulling away from it.
It’s in the way you check in, include her, ask her what she thinks before you decide. Not for permission … for togetherness.
It’s in how you tell the truth—even when it’s hard—because she can feel when something’s off.
It’s the way you say with your presence, again and again:
"You are not too much for me."
"I can handle your heart."
"I want to keep learning you."
Desire says: I want you.
Cherish says: I value you.
Desire is chemistry.
Cherish is commitment.
Desire is attraction.
Cherish is attention.
And here’s the truth: One without the other will leave her starving.
Let’s be clear—this is not about perfection.
This is about emotional presence.
The Gottman Institute, one of the most respected relationship research groups, tells us that successful relationships aren’t built on avoiding conflict. They’re built on the ability to turn toward one another with care and responsiveness—even when it’s messy.
That’s cherishing.
Not fixing. Not performing.
Just staying.
Being available.
Being honest.
Being willing to grow.
Cherishing is a decision you make in the small, daily moments:
The extra text: How did your meeting go?
The simple comfort: I’ve got you.
The thoughtful question: What do you need right now?
It’s not a grand gesture.
It’s consistency.
And here’s what happens when she feels it:
She softens.
When a woman feels cherished, her nervous system relaxes.
Polyvagal theory calls this ventral vagal regulation—a state where connection, creativity, and joy live.
In this state, love flows. Intimacy thrives. Sensuality ignites.
Because she’s no longer protecting herself from you.
She’s safe with you.
But when she feels unseen, uncertain, or like she’s being gaslit by your tone, your silence, your impatience—her nervous system shifts into survival.
And love becomes something she has to manage, not enjoy.
To cherish her is not to make her happy 24/7.
That’s not your job—and it’s not possible.
Your job is to show up clean.
To own your energy.
To communicate honestly.
To say, “I’m not at my best right now, and I’m working on it.”
To apologize when you mess up—and mean it.
This creates safety.
This builds trust.
And when she doesn’t feel like she has to carry the relationship alone—when she doesn’t have to constantly guess where you’re at?
She relaxes.
She becomes even more of herself.
And the love you get from her? Doubles.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to have all the right words.
You just have to want to know her.
Love is not just a feeling.
It’s a choice you make. Daily.
So how do you love her better?
You notice the little things—her tone, her silences, what lights her up.
You lean into what’s underneath the words, not just what’s said out loud.
You treat her feelings like they matter, even when you don’t fully understand them.
And when you say her name, you say it like it means something—because it does.
You say:
"I see you."
"I hear you."
"You matter to me."
And when you do?
She doesn’t just feel wanted.
She feels cherished.
She feels safe.
She feels like she can finally stop performing.
She’s not loved for what she does or how she shows up.
She’s loved for who she is.
And that?
That’s what she’s been longing for all along.
And to be completely frank .. it’s my take that this is what we all want.
If your heart feels heavy or you just need a space to untangle what you're feeling, I’m here. You're not alone in this. Feel free to reach out if you’d like to talk or explore how one-on-one support could help. I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.