Stop ‘Shoulding’ All Over Yourself: Your Happiness Depends on It
How This One Tiny Word Is Holding You Back—And What to Say Instead
It is my opinion that the word "should" needs to be removed from our vocabulary entirely. The word "should" feeds the never-good-enough sense of unworthiness that lies at the foundation of our fears, resistance, and old stories. "Should" is a form of comparison and judgment, both of which are driven by the ego. And our sneaky ego is fuelled by fear—not wisdom, self-awareness, or love.
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Ego sources external validation: "I am what other people think of me," "I am what I have," and "I am what I do." It is attached to outside comparisons and the expectations of what we "should" be. When we hear ourselves say things like, "I should get in shape," "I should read that book," "I should be further along in life," or "I should be a better parent, friend, or partner," we are subconsciously claiming that we are not enough.
What’s most interesting is that we all have this in common. Beneath our limiting beliefs and untrue stories is a universal fear of not being good enough. I believe this is the ultimate quest—to see, love, and believe in ourselves so we can overcome this sense of unworthiness.
Your inner self knows what you truly want in life. Maybe it's more happiness, to worry less, to feel fulfilled, to find true love, to accomplish meaningful goals, to lighten the load for others, or to love what you see when you look in the mirror. Whatever the aspiration, "should," comparison, and external judgment won’t get us there. In fact, they stand in our way.
Objectivity might be rooted in facts and external evidence, which sometimes have value, but comparison will only remind you that you’re not enough. The word "should" creates mental roadblocks.
The thoughts that run through our minds live in our subconscious, meaning we often don’t even notice them. It’s our normal. When we hop in our car to drive somewhere, we don’t consciously think about every action—we just do it. Similarly, our beliefs, reactions, and emotions operate automatically in the background. This is why bringing these thoughts into our awareness is so powerful.
I encourage you to take an inventory. How many times a day do you say the word “should”? If we pay attention, we start to see. That very first time you catch yourself saying "should," first and foremost, give yourself a pat on the back or a high-five in the mirror. Then, immediately replace "should" with a statement aligned with your truth or the truth you wish to embody—even if you’re not there yet.
This is the shift from objective thinking to subjective thinking. From self-doubt to confidence. From limiting beliefs to self-belief. Most importantly, it’s the shift from our head to our wise and all-knowing heart.
For example, an objective statement might be: "That’s too risky; you should play it safe." The subjective version would be: "I am bold and capable of taking risks that lead me to my dreams."
Another example: "I’m too broken to be loved." The subjective version: "I am worthy of love exactly as I am, and the right person will see and cherish me for who I truly am."
That said, I know that some days feel less inspiring. Sometimes, life feels like one long, repetitive Groundhog Day. While I firmly believe that our perspective is our choice, I also recognize that some days feel a little less shiny than others.
So, how do we shift our headspace on those days?
First, acceptance. The most helpful thing we can do for ourselves is acknowledge and accept that this moment is just that—a moment in time that will pass. And we can also adopt practices that help adjust our perspective during trying times because life will inevitably hand us challenges.
Here are a few ways to shift perspective:
Question Your Thoughts: Ask yourself, "Where did this belief come from?" "Is this thought even mine?" Many of our limiting beliefs were inherited, not chosen.
Practice Gratitude: Shift your focus to what you have right now. Gratitude supersedes every other emotion, reduces negative thinking, and quiets worry.
Do Something for Someone Else: Acts of kindness shift our internal energy and help us see beyond our own struggles. This action also takes the brain off of the habitual thinking pattern.
Pause and Breathe: The next time you catch yourself thinking, "I should be something I’m not," stop and take a deep breath. Tune into the present moment—what do you smell, hear, see? This simple practice brings you back to now, and again interrupts the habitual thought patterns. Halting the automatic thinking opens up space to choose a new line of thinking.
In that space, you have the power to rewrite the narrative—to trade "should" for self-trust, to swap comparison for self-compassion, and to step fully into the life that is meant for you.
Because right here, right now, you are perfectly beautiful, and you are exactly where you need to be.
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I’d love to hear if this resonated with you and if you are open to giving up the word should! 👇🏻